i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
he thought i was a dude.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
