I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize