I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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