the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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