FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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