I faked an abortion last night.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize
