Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Randomize
