How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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