I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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