You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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