im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
