dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
