It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
