Whatcha textin bout Willis?
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
jump out the window naked night went bad
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
