Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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