Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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