how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
