I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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