I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
