I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
