I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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