Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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