So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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