Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
i came on her dog
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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