It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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