mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
