Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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