I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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