You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
