my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
