he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
