I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
