Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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