her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Randomize
