when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
