I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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