i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
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