i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
