I accidentally had phone sex last night
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Randomize
