She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
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