I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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