He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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