Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
