I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Randomize
