I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
