There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Randomize
