Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Randomize
