I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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