My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
