Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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