we're chasing vodka with high fives
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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