my cup is half full, half full of rum.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
whose ass print is on the piano?
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
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