My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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