my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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