Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
