So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
