is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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