My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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