so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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