there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
