My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
